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Episode 749: The Need for Theed


Bartenders in roleplaying games are not for ordering drinks. They're there to proffer randomly rolled rumours from the adventure rumour table. Viz:

Roll d20:

  1. A spectral dog wanders the woods.
  2. None have ever returned from the abandoned mill by the Black Stream.
  3. Bandits lay ambushes along the mountain pass.
  4. The mysterious owner of the castle on the hill is a powerful wizard.
  5. A pirate treasure lies buried somewhere in the Goblin Marshes.
  6. The "old wise woman" is not so old. Or so wise. Or a woman.
  7. In the lowest level of the Necromancer's dungeon, walk only on the black squares, not the white.
  8. The king offers a great reward for orc heads.
  9. The food at the inn on the other side of town is prepared by an ogre chef.
  10. There is no Necromancer - it's just a story to scare children.
  11. Don't venture beyond the strange stone circle.
  12. Nobody ever died from eating the food here.
  13. That strange cloaked figure in the corner has been watching you all night.
  14. The village druid grows some "special" pipeweed.
  15. The Necromancer's name is Carl. But don't call him that or he'll get angry.
  16. You're not safe walking around with all that gold. Better lock it up here in this back room.
  17. The thieves' guild doesn't take kindly to out-of-town freelancers.
  18. Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena.
  19. I can't hear you, I've got a banana in my ear.
  20. Don't trust anything you hear from a bartender.


Luke: I'll have a blue milk special.
Wuher: A whut, noo?
Luke: You know, blue milk.
Wuher: Nivver heared o' sooch a ridiculous thing. In here, we puir whisky.
Luke: Whoa. Uh, one of those then, I guess.
Obi-Wan: I'm looking for a fast ship to Naboo. No questions asked.
Chewbacca: Naboo?
Chewbacca: Which is a rhetorical question, by the way. One assumes such do not count.
Obi-Wan: Indeed.
Chewbacca: Charming place this time of year.
Obi-Wan: The whole planet is charming at this time of year?
Chewbacca: The habitable part, my dear fellow. Springtime in Theed: O, how the sights and scents excite the senses!
Obi-Wan: I see you are a man of exquisite refinement.
Captain Antilles: {dead} I made my sidekick high in all my dump stats!

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Published: Thursday, 05 July, 2012; 03:11:02 PDT.
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