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<     Episode 1258: Let Me Entertain You     >

Episode 1258: Let Me Entertain You


Always have a nice long story ready to tell if ever the situation arises. Much like Kerim Bey to the bound and gagged Russian agent Benz in From Russia With Love:

Kerim Bey: I've had a particularly fascinating life. Would you like to hear about it?
{Benz tries to grunt "no."}
Kerim Bey: {delighted} You would?
Or like Senhor Oliveira da Figueira in the Tintin story Land of Black Gold, who distracts the guards of the villain's residence with an endless soap-opera-like story while Tintin infiltrates the place:
Oliveira: My friends, let me introduce me nephew Alvaro [Tintin in disguise], just arrived from Portugal... He's an orphan, poor lad... I've taken him into my family... Just between ourselves he's a little... well... a bit simple.... Not surprising after what's happened to him... A dreadful story... Just imagine, his father, who was a well-known snail farmer... Excuse me, just a minute...
Oliveira: Be a good boy, Alvaro... While I'm busy with these gentlemen, you run and play in the garden... I'll call you...
Oliveira: ... So his father, who'd married the daughter of DaCosta the pirate from Lisbon, suddenly found himself in the middle of an extraordinary adventure. One day...
Oliveira: ... Alas! The poor woman never got over it. She died of grief and shame, at the age of ninety-seven. Her husband, broken-hearted, soon followed her to the grave. But that wasn't the end of the terrible tragedies this unhappy family had to suffer... One day, their son...
Oliveira: ... At that moment the count stepped forward. Aha! he cried in Portuguese (you mustn't forget Portuguese was his native tongue) and without a moment's hesitation he flung open the door... He stood frozen with horror! ...
In fact, that latter one is a good one to memorise. Bonus points if your GM is a Tintin fan. Though of course you should invent extra bits to fill in the gaps.


Jabba: Don't just stand around! Jape! Pretend to be a Wookiee!
Chewbacca: I am a Wookiee!
Jabba: And a very unconvincing one you make! Proceed with the slicing test!
Pagetti Rook: Avast, planet-lubber! Time to feed the sand fish.
Chewbacca: O great Jabba, first allow me to enthrall with a tale of great pathos and personal tragedy.
Jabba: Hark!
Chewbacca: One time when I was a cub, I saw the most beautiful slug. It was helpless on its back on the kitchen table.
Chewbacca: My cousin Jowdrrl was about to pour engine oil on it to save us the horror of another batch of her mother's slug cupcakes.
Chewbacca: I picked up the slug and ran out to my hiding cave. But my aunt found me and slaughtered the slug. I still hear its pitiful screams...
Chewbacca: Many years later, my son Lumpy refused to eat his cupcakes too, and I felt a strange bonding.
Jabba: I've heard this before! It's the classic Rancor tale, Reticent Blades of the Humanoids.
Han: Time for my psychotic episode.
Han: Blargle blargle grargle!
Jabba: Now that's entertainment!

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Published: Tuesday, 06 October, 2015; 03:11:12 PDT.
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